Dear Fred Phelps,

I’m sure you get a lot of hatemail, so let me just start by saying this missive does not fall into that category. How can I hate that which I refuse to acknowledge? Granted you could argue that the very act of writing this demonstrates an acknowledgment of you, but in the grander sense, both you and your cult are nothing. You are attention-whoreing cowards who somehow weasel your way into far too many press releases. Such a small and inconsequential group like yours is vocal and vitriolic enough to garner much more attention than you deserve. Any attempt to have a civil conversation with people who are as clearly deluded as you is futile, but then again, you rely on this. Like many others who follow Christian mythology, you doggedly point to outdated and irrelevant texts to support your illogical beliefs.

The Southern Poverty Law Center lists Westboro Baptist Church as a hate group. The fact that a group consisting of seventy odd members (pun intended), most of which are blood relations of their deluded leader, can fit into such a classification is a testament to your outspoken message of hate. What I would like to do is to prove you wrong on every single point you have ever made about anything, but that would take to long. So I’ll treat this letter as you treat your Christian mythology, like a salad bar, I will take what I want and leave the rest.

1. There is no god. Only a child or an idiot believes in imaginary friends. You’ve got things wrong right from the get-go in the very broadest sense. It is all downhill from here.

2. If there were a god, and the Christian biblical concept of god was accurate, he wouldn’t want anyone dead. I know that is tough, but read that bible again. I know, I know, accurate interpretation of texts and reading comprehension must be tough for you since your disbarment 30 years ago, but surely some of that lawyering is stuck in your brain somewhere. John Calvin was a power mad nutbag and the concept of unconditional election really takes the point out of living, doesn’t it?

3. Gay is OK. Seriously, why are you so concerned about who people want to sleep with? Don’t like homosexuality? Don’t sleep with another dude. Seriously, with all the atrocities in the world, is this really the issue you want to latch onto? You act like the spread of gay culture is going to have some kind of massive impact on straight life. If I get some hip new recipes to try and some new musicals to see, what’s the harm in that?

4. AIDS is not a plague from god. Plenty of straight people get AIDS too. Oh and there is no god. Oh and once again, if there were, he’s got better things to do than send plagues. Well nowadays anyway. Interesting side note on the 12 plagues, perfectly logical explanation for them all. So much from the bible was simply stories made up to explain the unexplainable because people back then were even dumber than you are now. Check this out:

a. Rivers turn to blood – Well it could have been volcanic activity, or algae, or heavy rainfalls that flooded the Nile, and stirred up silt, which was reddish, and looked like blood.

b. Frogs – Well they don’t want to live in the muddy river, do they?

c. Gnats, Lice, Fleas – No frogs to eat them, so they are everywhere

d. Pestilence – The critters were drinking muddy water, plus the standing water no doubt led to infection, and they were malnourished because the flood destroyed most of the crops, and those gnats, lice, and fleas spread disease.

e. Boils – Poor hygiene from that muddy river, not that they were all that hygienic to begin with. Plus those gnats, lice, and fleas again.

f. Storms – Well crap, god sends this “plague” all the time. Lightning makes for lots of fires. I think it still hails.

g. Locusts – Member those crops that died because of the flooded Nile? Hail probably destroyed a lot of crops as well. Yeah those locusts had nothing to eat, so here they come!

h. Darkness – Eclipse? People were dumb back then, remember.

i. Death of the Firstborn – Well Ramses’ son died, and you know how those bible-writers loved a good allegory.

Alright this has gone on long enough. Just stop all the hate, man. You’re not accomplishing anything but making yourself and your followers look like idiots. You’re giving all Christians a bad name, and you’re wasting your precious time on this planet being so angry, when it is so much easier to be nice.

You guys should go to the movies. Go camping. Sponsor a needy family. Have a picnic. Maybe raise money by hosting a bake sale. Any of these things would be better for the world, and you’d probably have more fun doing them than you would standing around holding misspelled signs and yelling until you are dumb in the face.

Chill out,

Mike

Dear Tom Cruise,

I have learned both personally and professionally that even the harshest of criticism should be tempered with at least a modicum of praise. With that in mind, I would like to begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed your performance in the film, Magnolia. Your portrayal of Frank T.J. Mackey was easily the best of your career. How did you ever find the motivation needed to play a man divided by his egomaniacal narcissism and his smoldering ignorant rage?

For the sake of my own sanity (which certain tenets would assert is supremely safe due to the manufactured nature of the mental health profession), I will not mention your lovely wife, Katie, beyond this paragraph. The innocent ingénue was taken in by a self-absorbed, childish, manipulator who was wealthy enough to give her lifelong security. While another burgeoning actress (the gorgeous Scarlett Johansson) was strong enough to pry herself from your vicious clutches, Katie was not so lucky. Your need to assert your heterosexuality by coupling with a woman sixteen years your junior is not, however, the point of this communiqué.

You stated in promotional material for your cult that you have never met an S.P. (suppressive person, as defined by your cult as someone who is critical of scientology) and you claim that no one has ever been openly critical of your beliefs, so allow me to be the first. Your cult moves far beyond that of other current mythological beliefs, and into something more dangerous and sinister due numerous infractions beyond even the sheer amount of money that is fleeced from potential members. Catholic, protestant, Islamic, Judaic, and any other numbers of religions do expect some kind of financial remunerations from believers, but none of them require it, nor would they ever require it in such enormous quantities.

The biggest threat posed by the cult of scientology is its overall theme of totalitarianism. It preaches open-mindedness and promises fulfillment and superhero powers, but it really seeks to exterminate all rational though. Specifically, that would include any thought that does not go along with the cult’s warped code of ethics. People really have no chance to getting “clear” and the very process of auditing exposes people’s secrets, secrets that will be then used against them if they ever speak out against the church. Enemies of the church are “fair game”, meaning that whatever tactics are deemed necessary (lies, blackmail, threats, violence) can be taken against them.

The cult’s path to enlightenment is a never-ending one, since the very nature of scientology relies on money from its followers, and to reach enlightenment would lead to a drying up of funds. No wonder scientologists demonize the psychiatric profession, they are their chief competition. Why bother seeing a mental health professional when you can be audited by a scientologist? Oh wait…because a mental health professional would be cheaper, and they may actually be able to help you with some of the problems in your life. The great irony of scientology’s position on the psychiatric profession is that its very founder suffered from mental illness and would have greatly benefited from mental health counseling.

The point of this diatribe, Tom, is that some simple investigation into scientology reveals holes big enough to fly a DC 8 through. With your position, resources, and fame, you are in a great position to both expose some of the inner working of the cult, and destroy it from within. Think logically. Think rationally. Think. You really do have the power to make the world a better place. Expose scientology for the hoax that it is.

-Mike

PS – If you do the stand-up thing and put an end to all this scientology nonsense, I’ll take back all those nasty things I said about you, and but you a beer.

PPS – Scratch that. $25 million a picture, you’re buying me a beer.

Dear Katie Holmes,

*I wrote this several years ago, and received positive comments, so this will be my first post. Basically, I am going to write letters to people. Many of the famous, some of them not. They will all have done something to annoy me.


Dearest Katie,

It has been some time since we last spoke, and I hope the world has been treating you well. You'll have to excuse my frantic juxtapositions in this letter because I heard most distressing news the other day. Someone informed me that you have imminent plans to wed. How could you do this to me? After all the fond times we've spent together, how could you throw it all away?

Have you forgotten the first time we met? It was a chance encounter in a video store in Wilmington, NC. You returned a copy of Chaplin nearly a month late and I voided the entire late fee. It was over fifty dollars. I could have been fired, Katie, but I did it for you because I loved you. After I risked my livelihood out of my sheer devotion to you, I went out on a limb and asked you to accompany me to a party later that evening. It was short notice, and you were unable to attend but your warm smile as you left the establishment told me how much you appreciated the gesture.

Have you forgotten our second meeting? At the Screen Gems film studio, built by the incomparable Frank Capra, Jr., I was portraying a Bayside football player, and you were featured heavily in the scene. You walked past me in the high school hallway set and the twinkle of recognition in your eye spoke volumes about the connection we'd shared a few weeks prior.

Several times I had the pleasure of seeing you driving around town. Once I pulled up next to you at a stoplight at the corner of College Rd. and Randall Pkwy. I waved shyly and you flashed me an elegant smile and returned the friendly hand wave. I considered pulling up behind you and ever so slightly tapping your rear bumper with my front bumper, so that we could each exit our vehicles and have some time for conversation. I refrained.

Your modest home just off Racine Dr. was a mere stone's throw from my student apartment. Several times I contemplated paying you a visit. How I longed to spend my evenings bathed in the warm glow of a fire, as we swapped stories about our childhoods and our plans for the future. I never got up the courage to ring your doorbell.

Our final meeting was in a Verizon store. You were looking for a new cellular phone and I remarked that several of my friends had complained about their service from other carriers, but that Verizon supposedly had the strongest signal in town. Our conversation could have led to more, but I sensed your urgency and being the gentleman that I am, I let you get back to your shopping.

So even though our relationship had so much potential, it was never given time to grow. Your job took you to another city, and we lost touch with one another. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.

And then I heard about the other man. I am not usually the kind of person who receives satisfaction from pointing out the shortcomings of others, but in this case I cannot remain silent. I'm sure I'm not the first one to tell you this, but he is entirely too old for you. It may not seem like it could have a profound effect on your relationship, but it will. You are from different generation, you have different world views, you will never be simpatico. The fact that he already has two failed marriages should also be a clue that he probably is not the best person to make such a commitment to. As he is reciting the vows, remember to tell yourself that you are the third person he has said them to, and then consider his sincerity. And it may be taboo to bring this up, but as he never sired any children with wife number one or wife number two, that points to a potential reproductive malfunction on his part.

Despite how you have hurt me, sweet, sweet Katie (or Sweetiekates as I would have called you) my love for you remains. I wish you all the best. Perhaps it would make you happy to know that I have found someone new as well. Her name is Sarah and she is much more suited to me, and above everything else she treats me the way you never could. She and I will be married someday, and maybe then the four of us can get together. I'm sure it would not be awkward.

Take care of yourself.

Love,
Mike