Dear Tom Cruise,

I have learned both personally and professionally that even the harshest of criticism should be tempered with at least a modicum of praise. With that in mind, I would like to begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed your performance in the film, Magnolia. Your portrayal of Frank T.J. Mackey was easily the best of your career. How did you ever find the motivation needed to play a man divided by his egomaniacal narcissism and his smoldering ignorant rage?

For the sake of my own sanity (which certain tenets would assert is supremely safe due to the manufactured nature of the mental health profession), I will not mention your lovely wife, Katie, beyond this paragraph. The innocent ingénue was taken in by a self-absorbed, childish, manipulator who was wealthy enough to give her lifelong security. While another burgeoning actress (the gorgeous Scarlett Johansson) was strong enough to pry herself from your vicious clutches, Katie was not so lucky. Your need to assert your heterosexuality by coupling with a woman sixteen years your junior is not, however, the point of this communiqué.

You stated in promotional material for your cult that you have never met an S.P. (suppressive person, as defined by your cult as someone who is critical of scientology) and you claim that no one has ever been openly critical of your beliefs, so allow me to be the first. Your cult moves far beyond that of other current mythological beliefs, and into something more dangerous and sinister due numerous infractions beyond even the sheer amount of money that is fleeced from potential members. Catholic, protestant, Islamic, Judaic, and any other numbers of religions do expect some kind of financial remunerations from believers, but none of them require it, nor would they ever require it in such enormous quantities.

The biggest threat posed by the cult of scientology is its overall theme of totalitarianism. It preaches open-mindedness and promises fulfillment and superhero powers, but it really seeks to exterminate all rational though. Specifically, that would include any thought that does not go along with the cult’s warped code of ethics. People really have no chance to getting “clear” and the very process of auditing exposes people’s secrets, secrets that will be then used against them if they ever speak out against the church. Enemies of the church are “fair game”, meaning that whatever tactics are deemed necessary (lies, blackmail, threats, violence) can be taken against them.

The cult’s path to enlightenment is a never-ending one, since the very nature of scientology relies on money from its followers, and to reach enlightenment would lead to a drying up of funds. No wonder scientologists demonize the psychiatric profession, they are their chief competition. Why bother seeing a mental health professional when you can be audited by a scientologist? Oh wait…because a mental health professional would be cheaper, and they may actually be able to help you with some of the problems in your life. The great irony of scientology’s position on the psychiatric profession is that its very founder suffered from mental illness and would have greatly benefited from mental health counseling.

The point of this diatribe, Tom, is that some simple investigation into scientology reveals holes big enough to fly a DC 8 through. With your position, resources, and fame, you are in a great position to both expose some of the inner working of the cult, and destroy it from within. Think logically. Think rationally. Think. You really do have the power to make the world a better place. Expose scientology for the hoax that it is.

-Mike

PS – If you do the stand-up thing and put an end to all this scientology nonsense, I’ll take back all those nasty things I said about you, and but you a beer.

PPS – Scratch that. $25 million a picture, you’re buying me a beer.