Haiku of summer movies

Entertainment Weekly made a list of 20 summer movies they can't wait to see. Most of them look like they are going to suck. I wrote haiku about all of them.


1. Iron Man 2
First one was awesome
Mickey Rourke is crucial
Scarlett is gorgeous

2. Babies
Documentary
Heavy handed direction
May catch on Netflix

3. Sex and the City 2
Since I'm a duder
And loathe all of these ho-bags
No way I'll see this

4. Prince of Persia
Video game flick
Do you need to know much more?
Play xbox at home

5. Get Him to the Greek
I hate Russell Brand
He sleeps with Katy Perry
He is not worthy

6. The A-Team
Loved them as a kid
And the trailer looks bad ass
Can't wait for this one

7. The Karate Kid
Will Smith is weaksauce
His kid can't be much better
Why Jackie Chan, why

8. Knight and Day
Scientologist
Paired with a vapid jerkwad
I'd rather puke blood

9. Grown Ups
Lots of funny dudes
Being family friendly
And thus unfunny

10. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Crazy Mormon chick
Writes atrocious teen drama
Throws in vamps for sales

11. The Last Airbender
Manga mysticism
Looks so stupid live action
Sixth Sense this is not

12. Inception
Nolan had some gems
Yet this looks derivative
Just watch Blade Runner

13. Salt
Why is this crazy
Puffy lipped hooker getting
All these movie roles

14. Dinner for Schmucks
May bring the funny
But it will probably suck
Why even bother

15. The Adjustment Bureau
Is this another
Bourne movie with Zod and Jin
From Lost, count me in

16. The Other Guys
Ferrell and McKay
Have made hilarious flicks
This one should follow

17. Eat Pray Love
A book I haven't
Read becomes a movie I
Won't see, symmetry

18. Scott Pilgrim v. The World
This team brought us Shaun
Of the Dead, and the hot chick
From Grindhouse is there

19. The Expendables
If not the best film
Of all time, certainly the
Best of the summer

20. Going the Distance
Haiku is stupid
And so is this movie, I
Give up, wait that's it

Dear Zach Snyder,

I have been a fan of Watchmen for years, and I was terrified that a movie would only cheapen the story by dumbing it down for the less than educated general public. Such rich and comp0lex source material could quickly turn into box office excrement in the hands of many directors, but when I heard you were attached to the project, I had a glimmer of hope. After your take on Dawn and 300, and the things you said in interviews about remaining true to the comics, I was sure you could pull it off, but I remained caustiously optomistic at best. There were still so many things that could have gone wrong.

They didn't.

I am mainly writing to say thank you. Thank you, Zach, for giving Watchmen fans the movie they have always wanted, but always figured they would never get.

Watchmen is an incredible film that somehow managed to film what has long been thought of as an unfilmable comic. There are so many ways the film could have gone wrong, but somehow it managed to avoid pretty much all of them. I won't post any spoilers here in the interest of you unlucky souls who haven't seen it, but I can broadly say that there is no need to be wary of the changed ending. It works perfectly in the context of the film and some may even argue that it makes for a more cohesive story than the ending in the comic.

From the opening shots, it appears that while the brighter color palettes from Gibbons' illustrations have been put aside for a darker style of cinematography, the panels from the comic themselves seemed to serve as Snyder's storyboard for much of the film. I'd love to be able to sit down and do a side by side comparison, because Snyder seemed to have lifted much of the powerful visual imagery right from the pages of Moore and Gibbons masterpiece and created out of it a masterpiece in a whole new medium. The opening credits, set perfectly to Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'", are a series a barely moving photographs that tell the story of the rise and fall of the Watchmen, and their predecessors the Minutemen. Their rich and storied history is condensed into the 6 minute title screen, providing a very basic chronology for the uninitiated, and a feast of visual Easter eggs to the longtime fans of the book.

The Watchmen is a story that is both about the flawed and vulnerable characters donning masks, and society as a whole as it comes to grips with what those vigilantes mean about the downward spiral of social morays, the growing desperation of global forces amassing against them, and the dark animalistic side of human nature. The main characters do serve as microcosms for a complex range of emotions and philosophical ponderings.

Rorschach's moral absolutism makes us wonder if wrong and right can ever have shades of grey. The Comedian is savage and cynical, but it is difficult to deny his poignant musing about the very nature of humanity. Night Owl II is middle aged, reminiscing about the good old days, but struggling with fear and feelings of inadequacy. Ozymandias is the world's smartest man, leaving him isolated and unable to resonate with the rest of humanity. Silk Spectre II is forced to live up to her famous mother, while never knowing her father, and finding yet another complicated relationship with the enigmatic Dr. Manhattan, the only Watchmen with any real supernatural powers. Dr. Manhattan is made into a mascot for America, while his godlike status separates him from the very people he protects. He can understand complex equipment and scientific theory, but the human experience eludes him. His existence provides some exciting philosophical questions. In the ever present background is the growing tension of nuclear war with Russia and the general public's fear and uncertainty about their future.

Watchmen is a visual wonder, a sprawling, heartfelt, action-packed blockbuster that balances intellectual musings with complex characters and fast (and slow) paced action sequences. It is the kind of movie Watchmen fans have been waiting two decades for, and those unfamiliar with the source material will still be able to enjoy. My only complaint about the film was that I left was more. I suspect that when the director's cut is available on DVD, with over an hour of additional footage, the pieces of the larger picture will be fully revealed. I can't recall ever having a better experience at the theater, and I can't recommend this film enough.

Who watches the Watchmen? Hopefully everyone.

- Mike

Dear Amy Winehouse

When I first heard the song "Rehab" I was stunned by the depth, power, and soul in your voice. There is a timeless quality to it that makes it sound as though your vocals could have been recorded a week ago or nearly a century ago. The comparisons to Billie Holiday are unavoidable, but beyond the simple textures you share in common with her vocals, you also exhibit the same tortured private life that plays so heavily in the pained expressions evidenced in your voice.

Hey, it is bad luck that people in today's entertainment industry don't have the same luxury afforded those decades ago. Today nothing is private. As if regular check-out tabloids aren't bad enough, with digital photography, cell phones, and bluetooth and wifi connections, nothing you ever do is more than 30 seconds away from celebrity sites like Gawker, What Would Tyler Durden Do, or I Don't Like You In That Way. Substance abuse and addiction disorders are the main course for the sharks surrounding celebrities such as yourself.

What is the biggest difference between you and a lot of the people who frequently appear on those sites? Talent. You didn't appear on some mind-numbing reality show. You didn't sleaze your way into some idiotic movie. You didn't have the priveledge of being born into a ridiculous wealthy family. You were born with a rare talent and you worked hard to make your special gift translate into a career. While many of the troglodytes who populate the gossip columns manipulate their appearances to maximize their exposure, you on the other hand don't need the publicity. You musical talent is PR enough.

I was lucky enough to see you perform at the Virgin Music Festival in Baltimore, MD last summer. In the two days of stunning performances, yours stood out as truly soulful and heartfelt. I had heard the songs many times at that point, but the way you brought them to life during the performance is something I will remember for a long time. I've seen well over five hundred bands perform in my 16 years as a concert goer, and yours ranks among the top.

Please, Amy, for the sake of people who appreciate good music, get yourself into a healthy lifestyle. Cast aside the toxic substance, and the hurtful people who are complicating your life. Yours could be a prolific career with countless pieces of work that could stand the test of time. So many other musicians expire before their time due to their own abuse of their body. Your beautiful voice is a unique gem in a veritable sea of flawed stones and hopeless mediocrity.

Please, Amy, get some help. Don't wind up being remembered for all the wrong reasons.

Your fan,

Mike

Dear Ann Coulter

I guess I should hate you. Granted, I am quite misanthropic, so I have at least a moderate amount of hate for people in general, but you I should specifically hate because you are so annoyingly far to the right. However, you are quite an enigma. As a self-described polemicist, I wonder if you really believe many of the things you say, or if you just figured out an ingenious way to market yourself. You have made quite a career out of rampant conservatism, and your writing, though very adequate, would probably not have spawned six best sellers were it not so glaringly over-the-top. The fact that people question your true beliefs, and your real connection to the views you espouse should be some indication of just how laughable they really are.

You claim to be a creationist, and refer to evolution as “bogus science.” Really? Evolution is bogus science, but the belief that an invisible deity breathed onto mud and made a man is conceivable? Then he took out that guy’s rib and made a woman? Millions of years of tiny genetic alterations, that scientists have observed in current species as well as document in various historical account is bogus, but you think a fairy tale written thousands of years ago and translated dozens of times is logical? I smell polemics.

I could go on and on about your comments on Islam, or on the New York Times, or this newest angle you’re working where you are campaigning for Hillary Clinton, but refuting every single point you’ve ever made would be tiresome.

Perhaps you have discovered a powerful formula. As a writer myself, who is often know for my irony and sarcasm, as well as my ability to play Devil’s advocate, maybe positioning myself as the polar opposite counterpart to your character could be advantageous to my career. Clearly both you and O’Reilly were an inspiration to Colbert, so I’ll just be taking the conversations in a new direction.

I know what you’re thinking…the left already has one of those in Alan Colmes. What a weak exercise in pandering on the part of Fox. That show is like putting the Harvard debate team up against a five year old. Colmes may claim to hold liberal views on the some issues, but he rolls over like a courtesan in the prince’s quarters. I’ll be a more ambitious and outspoken liberal, who can balance passion and fervor with intellect and level-headedness. Not to mention being able to write political commentary without worrying too much about factual accuracy must be liberating.

My act is just the kind of turn the conservative, corporate-run media needs to take in order to keep from alienating the other half of the population.

Your companion in a quest for truth,

Mike

Dear Fred Phelps,

I’m sure you get a lot of hatemail, so let me just start by saying this missive does not fall into that category. How can I hate that which I refuse to acknowledge? Granted you could argue that the very act of writing this demonstrates an acknowledgment of you, but in the grander sense, both you and your cult are nothing. You are attention-whoreing cowards who somehow weasel your way into far too many press releases. Such a small and inconsequential group like yours is vocal and vitriolic enough to garner much more attention than you deserve. Any attempt to have a civil conversation with people who are as clearly deluded as you is futile, but then again, you rely on this. Like many others who follow Christian mythology, you doggedly point to outdated and irrelevant texts to support your illogical beliefs.

The Southern Poverty Law Center lists Westboro Baptist Church as a hate group. The fact that a group consisting of seventy odd members (pun intended), most of which are blood relations of their deluded leader, can fit into such a classification is a testament to your outspoken message of hate. What I would like to do is to prove you wrong on every single point you have ever made about anything, but that would take to long. So I’ll treat this letter as you treat your Christian mythology, like a salad bar, I will take what I want and leave the rest.

1. There is no god. Only a child or an idiot believes in imaginary friends. You’ve got things wrong right from the get-go in the very broadest sense. It is all downhill from here.

2. If there were a god, and the Christian biblical concept of god was accurate, he wouldn’t want anyone dead. I know that is tough, but read that bible again. I know, I know, accurate interpretation of texts and reading comprehension must be tough for you since your disbarment 30 years ago, but surely some of that lawyering is stuck in your brain somewhere. John Calvin was a power mad nutbag and the concept of unconditional election really takes the point out of living, doesn’t it?

3. Gay is OK. Seriously, why are you so concerned about who people want to sleep with? Don’t like homosexuality? Don’t sleep with another dude. Seriously, with all the atrocities in the world, is this really the issue you want to latch onto? You act like the spread of gay culture is going to have some kind of massive impact on straight life. If I get some hip new recipes to try and some new musicals to see, what’s the harm in that?

4. AIDS is not a plague from god. Plenty of straight people get AIDS too. Oh and there is no god. Oh and once again, if there were, he’s got better things to do than send plagues. Well nowadays anyway. Interesting side note on the 12 plagues, perfectly logical explanation for them all. So much from the bible was simply stories made up to explain the unexplainable because people back then were even dumber than you are now. Check this out:

a. Rivers turn to blood – Well it could have been volcanic activity, or algae, or heavy rainfalls that flooded the Nile, and stirred up silt, which was reddish, and looked like blood.

b. Frogs – Well they don’t want to live in the muddy river, do they?

c. Gnats, Lice, Fleas – No frogs to eat them, so they are everywhere

d. Pestilence – The critters were drinking muddy water, plus the standing water no doubt led to infection, and they were malnourished because the flood destroyed most of the crops, and those gnats, lice, and fleas spread disease.

e. Boils – Poor hygiene from that muddy river, not that they were all that hygienic to begin with. Plus those gnats, lice, and fleas again.

f. Storms – Well crap, god sends this “plague” all the time. Lightning makes for lots of fires. I think it still hails.

g. Locusts – Member those crops that died because of the flooded Nile? Hail probably destroyed a lot of crops as well. Yeah those locusts had nothing to eat, so here they come!

h. Darkness – Eclipse? People were dumb back then, remember.

i. Death of the Firstborn – Well Ramses’ son died, and you know how those bible-writers loved a good allegory.

Alright this has gone on long enough. Just stop all the hate, man. You’re not accomplishing anything but making yourself and your followers look like idiots. You’re giving all Christians a bad name, and you’re wasting your precious time on this planet being so angry, when it is so much easier to be nice.

You guys should go to the movies. Go camping. Sponsor a needy family. Have a picnic. Maybe raise money by hosting a bake sale. Any of these things would be better for the world, and you’d probably have more fun doing them than you would standing around holding misspelled signs and yelling until you are dumb in the face.

Chill out,

Mike

Dear Tom Cruise,

I have learned both personally and professionally that even the harshest of criticism should be tempered with at least a modicum of praise. With that in mind, I would like to begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed your performance in the film, Magnolia. Your portrayal of Frank T.J. Mackey was easily the best of your career. How did you ever find the motivation needed to play a man divided by his egomaniacal narcissism and his smoldering ignorant rage?

For the sake of my own sanity (which certain tenets would assert is supremely safe due to the manufactured nature of the mental health profession), I will not mention your lovely wife, Katie, beyond this paragraph. The innocent ingénue was taken in by a self-absorbed, childish, manipulator who was wealthy enough to give her lifelong security. While another burgeoning actress (the gorgeous Scarlett Johansson) was strong enough to pry herself from your vicious clutches, Katie was not so lucky. Your need to assert your heterosexuality by coupling with a woman sixteen years your junior is not, however, the point of this communiqué.

You stated in promotional material for your cult that you have never met an S.P. (suppressive person, as defined by your cult as someone who is critical of scientology) and you claim that no one has ever been openly critical of your beliefs, so allow me to be the first. Your cult moves far beyond that of other current mythological beliefs, and into something more dangerous and sinister due numerous infractions beyond even the sheer amount of money that is fleeced from potential members. Catholic, protestant, Islamic, Judaic, and any other numbers of religions do expect some kind of financial remunerations from believers, but none of them require it, nor would they ever require it in such enormous quantities.

The biggest threat posed by the cult of scientology is its overall theme of totalitarianism. It preaches open-mindedness and promises fulfillment and superhero powers, but it really seeks to exterminate all rational though. Specifically, that would include any thought that does not go along with the cult’s warped code of ethics. People really have no chance to getting “clear” and the very process of auditing exposes people’s secrets, secrets that will be then used against them if they ever speak out against the church. Enemies of the church are “fair game”, meaning that whatever tactics are deemed necessary (lies, blackmail, threats, violence) can be taken against them.

The cult’s path to enlightenment is a never-ending one, since the very nature of scientology relies on money from its followers, and to reach enlightenment would lead to a drying up of funds. No wonder scientologists demonize the psychiatric profession, they are their chief competition. Why bother seeing a mental health professional when you can be audited by a scientologist? Oh wait…because a mental health professional would be cheaper, and they may actually be able to help you with some of the problems in your life. The great irony of scientology’s position on the psychiatric profession is that its very founder suffered from mental illness and would have greatly benefited from mental health counseling.

The point of this diatribe, Tom, is that some simple investigation into scientology reveals holes big enough to fly a DC 8 through. With your position, resources, and fame, you are in a great position to both expose some of the inner working of the cult, and destroy it from within. Think logically. Think rationally. Think. You really do have the power to make the world a better place. Expose scientology for the hoax that it is.

-Mike

PS – If you do the stand-up thing and put an end to all this scientology nonsense, I’ll take back all those nasty things I said about you, and but you a beer.

PPS – Scratch that. $25 million a picture, you’re buying me a beer.

Dear Katie Holmes,

*I wrote this several years ago, and received positive comments, so this will be my first post. Basically, I am going to write letters to people. Many of the famous, some of them not. They will all have done something to annoy me.


Dearest Katie,

It has been some time since we last spoke, and I hope the world has been treating you well. You'll have to excuse my frantic juxtapositions in this letter because I heard most distressing news the other day. Someone informed me that you have imminent plans to wed. How could you do this to me? After all the fond times we've spent together, how could you throw it all away?

Have you forgotten the first time we met? It was a chance encounter in a video store in Wilmington, NC. You returned a copy of Chaplin nearly a month late and I voided the entire late fee. It was over fifty dollars. I could have been fired, Katie, but I did it for you because I loved you. After I risked my livelihood out of my sheer devotion to you, I went out on a limb and asked you to accompany me to a party later that evening. It was short notice, and you were unable to attend but your warm smile as you left the establishment told me how much you appreciated the gesture.

Have you forgotten our second meeting? At the Screen Gems film studio, built by the incomparable Frank Capra, Jr., I was portraying a Bayside football player, and you were featured heavily in the scene. You walked past me in the high school hallway set and the twinkle of recognition in your eye spoke volumes about the connection we'd shared a few weeks prior.

Several times I had the pleasure of seeing you driving around town. Once I pulled up next to you at a stoplight at the corner of College Rd. and Randall Pkwy. I waved shyly and you flashed me an elegant smile and returned the friendly hand wave. I considered pulling up behind you and ever so slightly tapping your rear bumper with my front bumper, so that we could each exit our vehicles and have some time for conversation. I refrained.

Your modest home just off Racine Dr. was a mere stone's throw from my student apartment. Several times I contemplated paying you a visit. How I longed to spend my evenings bathed in the warm glow of a fire, as we swapped stories about our childhoods and our plans for the future. I never got up the courage to ring your doorbell.

Our final meeting was in a Verizon store. You were looking for a new cellular phone and I remarked that several of my friends had complained about their service from other carriers, but that Verizon supposedly had the strongest signal in town. Our conversation could have led to more, but I sensed your urgency and being the gentleman that I am, I let you get back to your shopping.

So even though our relationship had so much potential, it was never given time to grow. Your job took you to another city, and we lost touch with one another. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years.

And then I heard about the other man. I am not usually the kind of person who receives satisfaction from pointing out the shortcomings of others, but in this case I cannot remain silent. I'm sure I'm not the first one to tell you this, but he is entirely too old for you. It may not seem like it could have a profound effect on your relationship, but it will. You are from different generation, you have different world views, you will never be simpatico. The fact that he already has two failed marriages should also be a clue that he probably is not the best person to make such a commitment to. As he is reciting the vows, remember to tell yourself that you are the third person he has said them to, and then consider his sincerity. And it may be taboo to bring this up, but as he never sired any children with wife number one or wife number two, that points to a potential reproductive malfunction on his part.

Despite how you have hurt me, sweet, sweet Katie (or Sweetiekates as I would have called you) my love for you remains. I wish you all the best. Perhaps it would make you happy to know that I have found someone new as well. Her name is Sarah and she is much more suited to me, and above everything else she treats me the way you never could. She and I will be married someday, and maybe then the four of us can get together. I'm sure it would not be awkward.

Take care of yourself.

Love,
Mike