Dear Amy Winehouse

When I first heard the song "Rehab" I was stunned by the depth, power, and soul in your voice. There is a timeless quality to it that makes it sound as though your vocals could have been recorded a week ago or nearly a century ago. The comparisons to Billie Holiday are unavoidable, but beyond the simple textures you share in common with her vocals, you also exhibit the same tortured private life that plays so heavily in the pained expressions evidenced in your voice.

Hey, it is bad luck that people in today's entertainment industry don't have the same luxury afforded those decades ago. Today nothing is private. As if regular check-out tabloids aren't bad enough, with digital photography, cell phones, and bluetooth and wifi connections, nothing you ever do is more than 30 seconds away from celebrity sites like Gawker, What Would Tyler Durden Do, or I Don't Like You In That Way. Substance abuse and addiction disorders are the main course for the sharks surrounding celebrities such as yourself.

What is the biggest difference between you and a lot of the people who frequently appear on those sites? Talent. You didn't appear on some mind-numbing reality show. You didn't sleaze your way into some idiotic movie. You didn't have the priveledge of being born into a ridiculous wealthy family. You were born with a rare talent and you worked hard to make your special gift translate into a career. While many of the troglodytes who populate the gossip columns manipulate their appearances to maximize their exposure, you on the other hand don't need the publicity. You musical talent is PR enough.

I was lucky enough to see you perform at the Virgin Music Festival in Baltimore, MD last summer. In the two days of stunning performances, yours stood out as truly soulful and heartfelt. I had heard the songs many times at that point, but the way you brought them to life during the performance is something I will remember for a long time. I've seen well over five hundred bands perform in my 16 years as a concert goer, and yours ranks among the top.

Please, Amy, for the sake of people who appreciate good music, get yourself into a healthy lifestyle. Cast aside the toxic substance, and the hurtful people who are complicating your life. Yours could be a prolific career with countless pieces of work that could stand the test of time. So many other musicians expire before their time due to their own abuse of their body. Your beautiful voice is a unique gem in a veritable sea of flawed stones and hopeless mediocrity.

Please, Amy, get some help. Don't wind up being remembered for all the wrong reasons.

Your fan,

Mike

Dear Ann Coulter

I guess I should hate you. Granted, I am quite misanthropic, so I have at least a moderate amount of hate for people in general, but you I should specifically hate because you are so annoyingly far to the right. However, you are quite an enigma. As a self-described polemicist, I wonder if you really believe many of the things you say, or if you just figured out an ingenious way to market yourself. You have made quite a career out of rampant conservatism, and your writing, though very adequate, would probably not have spawned six best sellers were it not so glaringly over-the-top. The fact that people question your true beliefs, and your real connection to the views you espouse should be some indication of just how laughable they really are.

You claim to be a creationist, and refer to evolution as “bogus science.” Really? Evolution is bogus science, but the belief that an invisible deity breathed onto mud and made a man is conceivable? Then he took out that guy’s rib and made a woman? Millions of years of tiny genetic alterations, that scientists have observed in current species as well as document in various historical account is bogus, but you think a fairy tale written thousands of years ago and translated dozens of times is logical? I smell polemics.

I could go on and on about your comments on Islam, or on the New York Times, or this newest angle you’re working where you are campaigning for Hillary Clinton, but refuting every single point you’ve ever made would be tiresome.

Perhaps you have discovered a powerful formula. As a writer myself, who is often know for my irony and sarcasm, as well as my ability to play Devil’s advocate, maybe positioning myself as the polar opposite counterpart to your character could be advantageous to my career. Clearly both you and O’Reilly were an inspiration to Colbert, so I’ll just be taking the conversations in a new direction.

I know what you’re thinking…the left already has one of those in Alan Colmes. What a weak exercise in pandering on the part of Fox. That show is like putting the Harvard debate team up against a five year old. Colmes may claim to hold liberal views on the some issues, but he rolls over like a courtesan in the prince’s quarters. I’ll be a more ambitious and outspoken liberal, who can balance passion and fervor with intellect and level-headedness. Not to mention being able to write political commentary without worrying too much about factual accuracy must be liberating.

My act is just the kind of turn the conservative, corporate-run media needs to take in order to keep from alienating the other half of the population.

Your companion in a quest for truth,

Mike

Dear Fred Phelps,

I’m sure you get a lot of hatemail, so let me just start by saying this missive does not fall into that category. How can I hate that which I refuse to acknowledge? Granted you could argue that the very act of writing this demonstrates an acknowledgment of you, but in the grander sense, both you and your cult are nothing. You are attention-whoreing cowards who somehow weasel your way into far too many press releases. Such a small and inconsequential group like yours is vocal and vitriolic enough to garner much more attention than you deserve. Any attempt to have a civil conversation with people who are as clearly deluded as you is futile, but then again, you rely on this. Like many others who follow Christian mythology, you doggedly point to outdated and irrelevant texts to support your illogical beliefs.

The Southern Poverty Law Center lists Westboro Baptist Church as a hate group. The fact that a group consisting of seventy odd members (pun intended), most of which are blood relations of their deluded leader, can fit into such a classification is a testament to your outspoken message of hate. What I would like to do is to prove you wrong on every single point you have ever made about anything, but that would take to long. So I’ll treat this letter as you treat your Christian mythology, like a salad bar, I will take what I want and leave the rest.

1. There is no god. Only a child or an idiot believes in imaginary friends. You’ve got things wrong right from the get-go in the very broadest sense. It is all downhill from here.

2. If there were a god, and the Christian biblical concept of god was accurate, he wouldn’t want anyone dead. I know that is tough, but read that bible again. I know, I know, accurate interpretation of texts and reading comprehension must be tough for you since your disbarment 30 years ago, but surely some of that lawyering is stuck in your brain somewhere. John Calvin was a power mad nutbag and the concept of unconditional election really takes the point out of living, doesn’t it?

3. Gay is OK. Seriously, why are you so concerned about who people want to sleep with? Don’t like homosexuality? Don’t sleep with another dude. Seriously, with all the atrocities in the world, is this really the issue you want to latch onto? You act like the spread of gay culture is going to have some kind of massive impact on straight life. If I get some hip new recipes to try and some new musicals to see, what’s the harm in that?

4. AIDS is not a plague from god. Plenty of straight people get AIDS too. Oh and there is no god. Oh and once again, if there were, he’s got better things to do than send plagues. Well nowadays anyway. Interesting side note on the 12 plagues, perfectly logical explanation for them all. So much from the bible was simply stories made up to explain the unexplainable because people back then were even dumber than you are now. Check this out:

a. Rivers turn to blood – Well it could have been volcanic activity, or algae, or heavy rainfalls that flooded the Nile, and stirred up silt, which was reddish, and looked like blood.

b. Frogs – Well they don’t want to live in the muddy river, do they?

c. Gnats, Lice, Fleas – No frogs to eat them, so they are everywhere

d. Pestilence – The critters were drinking muddy water, plus the standing water no doubt led to infection, and they were malnourished because the flood destroyed most of the crops, and those gnats, lice, and fleas spread disease.

e. Boils – Poor hygiene from that muddy river, not that they were all that hygienic to begin with. Plus those gnats, lice, and fleas again.

f. Storms – Well crap, god sends this “plague” all the time. Lightning makes for lots of fires. I think it still hails.

g. Locusts – Member those crops that died because of the flooded Nile? Hail probably destroyed a lot of crops as well. Yeah those locusts had nothing to eat, so here they come!

h. Darkness – Eclipse? People were dumb back then, remember.

i. Death of the Firstborn – Well Ramses’ son died, and you know how those bible-writers loved a good allegory.

Alright this has gone on long enough. Just stop all the hate, man. You’re not accomplishing anything but making yourself and your followers look like idiots. You’re giving all Christians a bad name, and you’re wasting your precious time on this planet being so angry, when it is so much easier to be nice.

You guys should go to the movies. Go camping. Sponsor a needy family. Have a picnic. Maybe raise money by hosting a bake sale. Any of these things would be better for the world, and you’d probably have more fun doing them than you would standing around holding misspelled signs and yelling until you are dumb in the face.

Chill out,

Mike

Dear Tom Cruise,

I have learned both personally and professionally that even the harshest of criticism should be tempered with at least a modicum of praise. With that in mind, I would like to begin by saying that I thoroughly enjoyed your performance in the film, Magnolia. Your portrayal of Frank T.J. Mackey was easily the best of your career. How did you ever find the motivation needed to play a man divided by his egomaniacal narcissism and his smoldering ignorant rage?

For the sake of my own sanity (which certain tenets would assert is supremely safe due to the manufactured nature of the mental health profession), I will not mention your lovely wife, Katie, beyond this paragraph. The innocent ingénue was taken in by a self-absorbed, childish, manipulator who was wealthy enough to give her lifelong security. While another burgeoning actress (the gorgeous Scarlett Johansson) was strong enough to pry herself from your vicious clutches, Katie was not so lucky. Your need to assert your heterosexuality by coupling with a woman sixteen years your junior is not, however, the point of this communiqué.

You stated in promotional material for your cult that you have never met an S.P. (suppressive person, as defined by your cult as someone who is critical of scientology) and you claim that no one has ever been openly critical of your beliefs, so allow me to be the first. Your cult moves far beyond that of other current mythological beliefs, and into something more dangerous and sinister due numerous infractions beyond even the sheer amount of money that is fleeced from potential members. Catholic, protestant, Islamic, Judaic, and any other numbers of religions do expect some kind of financial remunerations from believers, but none of them require it, nor would they ever require it in such enormous quantities.

The biggest threat posed by the cult of scientology is its overall theme of totalitarianism. It preaches open-mindedness and promises fulfillment and superhero powers, but it really seeks to exterminate all rational though. Specifically, that would include any thought that does not go along with the cult’s warped code of ethics. People really have no chance to getting “clear” and the very process of auditing exposes people’s secrets, secrets that will be then used against them if they ever speak out against the church. Enemies of the church are “fair game”, meaning that whatever tactics are deemed necessary (lies, blackmail, threats, violence) can be taken against them.

The cult’s path to enlightenment is a never-ending one, since the very nature of scientology relies on money from its followers, and to reach enlightenment would lead to a drying up of funds. No wonder scientologists demonize the psychiatric profession, they are their chief competition. Why bother seeing a mental health professional when you can be audited by a scientologist? Oh wait…because a mental health professional would be cheaper, and they may actually be able to help you with some of the problems in your life. The great irony of scientology’s position on the psychiatric profession is that its very founder suffered from mental illness and would have greatly benefited from mental health counseling.

The point of this diatribe, Tom, is that some simple investigation into scientology reveals holes big enough to fly a DC 8 through. With your position, resources, and fame, you are in a great position to both expose some of the inner working of the cult, and destroy it from within. Think logically. Think rationally. Think. You really do have the power to make the world a better place. Expose scientology for the hoax that it is.

-Mike

PS – If you do the stand-up thing and put an end to all this scientology nonsense, I’ll take back all those nasty things I said about you, and but you a beer.

PPS – Scratch that. $25 million a picture, you’re buying me a beer.