Dear Fred Phelps,

I’m sure you get a lot of hatemail, so let me just start by saying this missive does not fall into that category. How can I hate that which I refuse to acknowledge? Granted you could argue that the very act of writing this demonstrates an acknowledgment of you, but in the grander sense, both you and your cult are nothing. You are attention-whoreing cowards who somehow weasel your way into far too many press releases. Such a small and inconsequential group like yours is vocal and vitriolic enough to garner much more attention than you deserve. Any attempt to have a civil conversation with people who are as clearly deluded as you is futile, but then again, you rely on this. Like many others who follow Christian mythology, you doggedly point to outdated and irrelevant texts to support your illogical beliefs.

The Southern Poverty Law Center lists Westboro Baptist Church as a hate group. The fact that a group consisting of seventy odd members (pun intended), most of which are blood relations of their deluded leader, can fit into such a classification is a testament to your outspoken message of hate. What I would like to do is to prove you wrong on every single point you have ever made about anything, but that would take to long. So I’ll treat this letter as you treat your Christian mythology, like a salad bar, I will take what I want and leave the rest.

1. There is no god. Only a child or an idiot believes in imaginary friends. You’ve got things wrong right from the get-go in the very broadest sense. It is all downhill from here.

2. If there were a god, and the Christian biblical concept of god was accurate, he wouldn’t want anyone dead. I know that is tough, but read that bible again. I know, I know, accurate interpretation of texts and reading comprehension must be tough for you since your disbarment 30 years ago, but surely some of that lawyering is stuck in your brain somewhere. John Calvin was a power mad nutbag and the concept of unconditional election really takes the point out of living, doesn’t it?

3. Gay is OK. Seriously, why are you so concerned about who people want to sleep with? Don’t like homosexuality? Don’t sleep with another dude. Seriously, with all the atrocities in the world, is this really the issue you want to latch onto? You act like the spread of gay culture is going to have some kind of massive impact on straight life. If I get some hip new recipes to try and some new musicals to see, what’s the harm in that?

4. AIDS is not a plague from god. Plenty of straight people get AIDS too. Oh and there is no god. Oh and once again, if there were, he’s got better things to do than send plagues. Well nowadays anyway. Interesting side note on the 12 plagues, perfectly logical explanation for them all. So much from the bible was simply stories made up to explain the unexplainable because people back then were even dumber than you are now. Check this out:

a. Rivers turn to blood – Well it could have been volcanic activity, or algae, or heavy rainfalls that flooded the Nile, and stirred up silt, which was reddish, and looked like blood.

b. Frogs – Well they don’t want to live in the muddy river, do they?

c. Gnats, Lice, Fleas – No frogs to eat them, so they are everywhere

d. Pestilence – The critters were drinking muddy water, plus the standing water no doubt led to infection, and they were malnourished because the flood destroyed most of the crops, and those gnats, lice, and fleas spread disease.

e. Boils – Poor hygiene from that muddy river, not that they were all that hygienic to begin with. Plus those gnats, lice, and fleas again.

f. Storms – Well crap, god sends this “plague” all the time. Lightning makes for lots of fires. I think it still hails.

g. Locusts – Member those crops that died because of the flooded Nile? Hail probably destroyed a lot of crops as well. Yeah those locusts had nothing to eat, so here they come!

h. Darkness – Eclipse? People were dumb back then, remember.

i. Death of the Firstborn – Well Ramses’ son died, and you know how those bible-writers loved a good allegory.

Alright this has gone on long enough. Just stop all the hate, man. You’re not accomplishing anything but making yourself and your followers look like idiots. You’re giving all Christians a bad name, and you’re wasting your precious time on this planet being so angry, when it is so much easier to be nice.

You guys should go to the movies. Go camping. Sponsor a needy family. Have a picnic. Maybe raise money by hosting a bake sale. Any of these things would be better for the world, and you’d probably have more fun doing them than you would standing around holding misspelled signs and yelling until you are dumb in the face.

Chill out,

Mike